09 March 2012

PART II - I have a testimony! Take that!

(continued from yesterday)


In December, David and I went to a huge international conference called One Thing, with the theme “Jesus: Our Magnificent Obsession.” As I focused on Jesus through worship, prayer, teaching, and conversation with women from my church who were also at the conference, Jesus delivered me from a negative body image that was still allowing the scars of the past to affect me in the present. It wasn’t because I hadn’t forgiven; it was because I still hated my body and had not come into agreement with how God sees me as His beautiful daughter. (See Psalm 139). The feeling of being unwanted and unworthy—or basically believing lies from Satan about my body—had opened the door to a lot of spiritual attacks and struggles over the past few months. I thought I had already forgiven the one who had molested me, and that God had “healed and sealed” that wound. But the devil kept reminding me of the pain, along with bringing various struggles and temptations at the same time. I had been feeling depressed without really knowing why.

But at One Thing, as I wholeheartedly sought God and looked to Jesus in the fullness of His character as a Humble Servant, Suffering Savior, Righteous Judge, Loving Father, and Glorious King, the blinders came off. As Psalm 28:5 says, “Evil men do not understand justice, But those who seek the LORD understand all.”

As we watched the Nefarious film about sex trafficking, I identified on a deep level with the victims of human trafficking—not because I have been in that situation, but because I am vulnerable and I was believing lies. The world of human trafficking and prostitution is governed by Satan, and he is a liar and the father of lies. Almost everyone in the United States who ends up in prostitution has been molested or sexually abused as a child. They grow up believing they are worthless. Believing one lie makes them feel vulnerable to the next and the next, until they are desperate for a way out, but completely trapped. As some former prostitutes gave their testimonies, I saw my tears in their tears. As they spoke of the total deliverance in Jesus Christ alone, and how He is such a loving Father, I saw myself as their sister. I finally saw clearly that Satan’s lies were exactly that, and were meant to kept me in bondage. But I was free in Jesus Christ, who came to set the captives free and deliver our souls from Sheol!

I knew I had to go talk to Karen and Karissa, two friends from church who were at the conference. But when the emotionalism of the movie had died down and we stood up to leave, I had my doubts. Maybe now wasn’t the time. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let go of all this. Maybe it wouldn’t even help. That’s when Karen turned to me, as if reading my mind.

“Wanna go talk to Karissa?” Karissa had been sitting on the other side of the auditorium with her baby and stroller. When we got there, she just looked at me. We were both profoundly impacted by the film. Karissa knew some of the struggles I had been going through; so did Karen. Karissa just looked at me with tears in her eyes and a compassionate smile.

“Come here.” She said. She reached out her arms and hugged me. She’s shorter than me, so I just leaned on her. For nearly ten minutes we stood there embracing each other. My chest began to heave with sobs as I laid it all down. Karissa just hugged me tighter, and Karen joined her and they both prayed over me. The presence of the Holy Spirit rushed in and through and over us. Karen started speaking in tongues softly. I had an impression that the weeping would last for the night, but joy would come in the morning. That all this time at the conference I had been so moved by the worship that I would cry and cry as I lifted my hands or kneeled down on my knees—but tomorrow I would not be able to wipe the smile off my face.

That’s exactly what happened. As we praised in the New Year, dancing and singing in ecstatic awe, I felt unspeakable joy and supernatural peace. I knew I would never, ever be the same. I had seen God’s love in a more personal and powerful way than ever before—a way I thought was reserved for a select few.

I faced some very real attacks and battles immediately after this deliverance. But I had been too close to the Warrior King to let this defeat me now. Now I know that every time I resist the devil, he will flee. I know that when I resist temptation, I am choosing Jesus. I know that, “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). I close my eyes and imagine Jesus looking at me with His eyes of fire, burning away all my impurities and desiring to make me wholly and completely His. Or I think of the cross, when Jesus gave up His life to save us wretched sinners— enduring such physical agony and emotional pain in order to secure eternal and abundant life for us. At that moment, everything else fades away.

I haven’t reached sinless perfection—that’s reserved for Jesus Christ alone. But I know He is at work in me because I feel greater sorrow for how my sins wound Jesus’ heart, and greater joy in loving and following Jesus that ever before. He has not only washed me from my sin and shame, He is creating a new, clean heart in me—and renewing a right spirit in me (Psalm 51:7-10).

I have had the habit of doing a daily personal devotions for several years. I basically read my Bible and pray. In recent years, that has grown as I pray in the car, as I walk, and wherever I am. I have been convicted recently to stop listening to secular music, since it does not draw me closer to Jesus, who truly is my Magnificent Obsession. At OneThing we were challenged by a former Harvard graduate and Yale graduate student to start tithing my time, or spending 2.5 hours a day in communion with Jesus Christ. I did that for the first 10 days of the New Year. My hunger for Jesus has not waned but actually grown, and I am seeing so much fruit in my life. I believe God has spoken to me clearly about several things, including: that He is going to restore my parents’ broken marriage relationship; not to worry at all about my future or who I will marry; and many other things.

For the first time in over a year I am actually hungry, every day. For the longest time I would feel as if I was forcing myself to eat because I should be hungry, but I would rarely actually feel hungry. The hunger is a physical sign of my deliverance from depression.

Here is another example of how much God loves me: I prayed during OneThing that if it wasn't God's will for me to teach English in Spain this summer, I didn't want to do it. There are a lot of things I could do this summer, like an internship, get a full time job (since I graduate in May), etc. etc. I wanted to go and see my friends from studying abroad there. But I told God I wanted to be where He wanted me to be, and I didn't want to make plans without His counsel. Well, I stopped worrying and thinking about it until something happened. 

On my birthday, January 3rd, my Panamanian friend Rebeca* called me. She prophesied a few things over me that God has already confirmed to me through His word and the testimony of other witnesses, about my future and not worrying about getting married, and about my parents’ marriage relationship (that God restores all things). Then out of the blue, she said she wanted to pay for half of my ticket to Spain! And yes, she is serious! That was the best birthday present I've ever gotten! I am overwhelmed by God's goodness! The just shall live by faith!

 To be continued, as God just keeps on being awesome! . . .  

*Not really Rebeca, in order to protect anonymity. =)
    



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