open this closed heart

On October 27, 2012, I sat in the Student House of Prayer in Beavercreek, OH, during Saturday night prayer and worship.

Jen, the director’s wife, came and prayed for me:

“The wall is coming down—the door will open,” she said.

I had my own idea of what doors I wanted open in my life at that moment. I had been without a job for 3 weeks, and I was not happy with that or with certain other situations in my life, that seemed like they were at a standstill.

I left that night hoping beyond hope I had heard what I had wanted to hear—even while wondering if that was what God really wanted to tell me.

A month later, on November 30, I wrote in my journal:

The revelation I had just today as I read back through that entry, is that literally just before Jen prayed for me, I had written,

“I need You to show me how to love You tonight. And open this closed heart.”

And that was when Jen prayed,

“The wall is coming down, the door will open.”

I never made the connection before now. What if the wall is this fortress I’ve built around my heart, closing it off to pain, to compassion, to love—deep, true love for God and fellow humans. And all these revelations God has been giving me—the stars, the pastel drawings, the Ugandan woman’s prayer for me, the deer on my run, Psalm 115 written on the crossbeam in the prayer room—they’re bringing down the wall, reestablishing communion between God and I, without any idols in the way. That’s what I had just asked God to open, and that’s what He is doing.

[He’s opening the heart I’ve closed off to him and to the least of these by surrounding it with my goals, my relationships, my performance orientation. ]

“It’s not about the job I have. It’s about me and you, we’re building a relationship again”—lyrics from a Jason Upton song, Faith.

I concluded the journal entry with 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24, in Spanish. Here’s how it translates:

“And this same God of peace will sanctify me completely, and all of my being, spirit, soul, and body will be preserved blameless for the coming of my Lord, Jesus Christ! Faithful is He who calls me, who will also do it!”

I closed my journal and headed to a Bible Study and dinner for international students. I didn’t get home until 12:30AM. When I did, I decided to check my email. That afternoon, I had received an email that began,

“It is with pleasure and anticipation that I send you the attached letter offering you the position of DR Operations Fellow with HOPE International.”

I wanted to scream, to cry, to tell everyone. But it was too late for any of that. I told my dad, because he was the only one still awake. Then I went to bed, with a grateful heart and a busy head. I had just been offered my dream job—working in microfinance in a Spanish-speaking country. But it would mean leaving home—again—and starting a new life—again—in a place I didn’t know. It was something I had wanted so much, but when I finally had it in my hands, I was surprised. My heart was weary and fearful.

A year later, here in the Dominican Republic, I can testify that many times my heart and my flesh have failed, but God has always been the strength of my heart and my portion. He has poured out His Spirit on me in times of loneliness and fear.

Here, I have learned the meaning of Scriptures that never before stood out to me. Scriptures like,

“I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and your staff they comfort me.” (Psalm 23)

“you joyfully accepted the plundering of your goods, knowing that you have a better and an enduring possession for yourselves in heaven” (Hebrews 10:34)

“those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs” (Jonah 2:8)

The farther He takes me from what was comfortable and safe, the more I have to trust in Him--and the more faithful He proves Himself. And as I let go of the worthless idols and choose to set my love on Christ, I begin to experience the grace "that could be mine." 

That grace lets me see the least of these with His eyes, not mine. 

Please God, keep that grace coming! Keep opening this heart of mine! Pour water on me, because I am thirsty! And my heart feels like dry ground. Thank You, dear Father. 

“For I will pour water on him who is thirsty,

And floods on the dry ground;

(Isaiah 44:3)